I thought that I’d been tested in life before, but I have realized that I haven’t. I have already written a post, here, about patiently waiting for my little one to come. I’m nearly 41 weeks, actually 1 day away and it doesn’t look like little has any plans of coming soon. Maybe little one does, who knows? As a woman, I feel like I’ve done something wrong. I keep going over in my mind, why am I not going into labor? Why isn’t my body doing what its supposed to do? Why isn’t nature taking its course? I have a body that works like clockwork. I always had a normal period, whether I was on birth control or not. I think to myself, my due date couldn’t have been off. I know exactly when my last period was and I’m pretty certain of the conception date as well. So that seems to be reason #1 out the window. Reason #2, I’m a first time mom, this is my first baby. Yes, this is a very valid reason, but there are plenty of women who have first babies all the time and go into labor naturally. Reason #3, maybe subconsciously I’m just not ready or my body isn’t. I feel ready, mentally, emotionally, and physically. I have had a complication-free pregnancy, thank GOD! I give all glory to Him for that. I stayed active, worked full-time, ate healthy, took the vitamins, drank the tea…everything! My body sure feels ready, my husband and I are ready. We have everything, I mean everything set up and ready for baby. We were even a little behind on installing the carseat, but have since done that so, there is literally nothing else left. I keep going over in my head; “Is there anything else?” Is there something I’m forgetting or missing. I honestly can’t think of anything thing else. I can only think of one answer: I’m being tested. Every character flaw I have, that I recognize, is being tested.
I’m a natural worrier, been that way for as long as I can remember. Pregnancy exaberated it, but I’ve have been able to work through it. While I’m not a naturally patient person, this experience has made me be way more patient than I’ve ever had to be. I realize there’s just nothing I can do, but wait. The only thing is that time is ticking away and medicine will have to intervene soon. As some one who has never had a baby, I was always nervous about going into labor naturally, now I’m having to digest the fact that I might have to be induced. The uncertainty is trying, because again…that’s another character flaw. My husband is the exact opposite of me. He’s patient, handles uncertainty well, and doesn’t worry. Hubs is taking this entire experience in stride, and I’m fortunate he is so strong, especailly for me. He has been supportive, but at the same time, he’s a man. Its not his body, its not his sole responsibility to bring this little life into the world. He will never know how I feel right now. Although its not his fault, its hard knowing I’m in this by myself at the end of the day. Its our test, but its really mines.
I thought I’d been through some pretty big things in life, but little did I know I would experience something like this on a much grander scale. Yes, I know there are bigger problems in the world, but this is mines right now. Everything is relative to who you are. I know there are plenty of women who don’t have a care in the world when it comes to things like this. I’m not saying they don’t care or that it doesn’t bother them at all. I am simply saying that they have a better way of coping and dealing with a situation like this. My coping skills are shot, hormones are all over place, and emotionally I’m at my wits end. I’m down to my last of my last, my spirit. If it weren’t for my faith, I’d be broken right now. My faith is what has kept me going. Its what has kept all the stress and worry in a place to where I can still function. Its clear that I need to pass this test, I don’t know how, but I know my faith will guide me.
Have you ever been tested? Been at your wits end? – How did you cope?
“Even strong young lions sometimes go hungry, but those who trust in the LORD will lack no good thing.”
(Psalm 34:10, NLT)