Okay, so before the congrats start, I’m NOT pregnant! 🙂 Although this post is about my thoughts on having another child. Chunk turned 8 months on Sunday, and its become even more clear to me how fast time flies when you have kids. I’m loving being a mom to him, and wouldn’t want it any other way for the time being. However, I can’t help, but think from time to time that we should add to our brood soon. I’ve always wanted kids relativity close together, about 2 or so years apart. The thing I didn’t realize was that once you have one, you blink and the kid is nearly a year. On top of that, it takes 9 (really 10 more months) to have another baby. That time doesn’t even take into account TTC’ing if you have to. When I got pregnant with Chunk, we weren’t actively TTC’ing, so I have no experience with the whole planning and trying aspect of getting pregnant. In a weird way, it makes more sense to me to just let things happen, instead of planning, charting, tempting, etc. Although I realize that spontaneous pregnancy isn’t the case or even a possibility for some women. That’s a whole other issue though.
My issue, or rather concern with “planning” another baby is that when you plan, you plan for perfect conditions, a flawless scenario, with all considerations. Well, that doesn’t exist! Life’s not perfect, and there’s no “perfect” time to plan for a baby. Ideal, yes. Perfect, no! If you want until all the conditions are perfect, it will never happen. However, some times it’s just not a good time, for many reasons. Whether is be financial, mental, or physical. I was blessed to have an uneventful pregnancy, labor and delivery. I’m so thankful to God for that. However, sometimes I get scared about a second pregnancy, a second labor, and a second delivery. Can my body do it again? Am I healthy enough? Will I be able to do all the things while pregnant, I did with Chunk to bring another healthy baby into the world? Does lighting really strike twice? My grandmother had 11 kids, no complications, all vaginal deliveries, many of them natural. My mom, aunts, and cousins, and myself pretty much the same, although some of us had an Epidural. I come from good stock, but anything can happen. I’m scared!
I’m at my lowest weight I’ve been at in years, in part because of breastfeeding, but mostly due to stress and not making eating a priority. I eat very healthy, I cook nearly every night, but I know throughout the day I need to eat more. I need to drink more water. I always have a bottle around, but rarely drink from it. I stay up way too late. Chunk sleeps pretty much through the night, so he’s no longer my excuse for staying up. I don’t take good enough care of myself in general and I definitely don’t take good enough care of myself to be pregnant. I’m not disciplined.
We are a one income family. I don’t make much from my blog. I haven’t done a campaign, sponsored post or anything like that in months. Even when I do get a sponsored post or campaign, I really don’t make much. I’m trying to contribute to my family the best way I can, but I’m a mom first. Chunk, at 8 months requires eyes on at all times. He’s mobile, curious, and likes to explore. Gone are the days of me getting work done while he just hangs out next to me. Naptime is when I shower and most of the time eat. The night hours are when I get most of my work done, hence staying up to the wee hours of the morning or rather late into the night. I’m exhausted.
My shop is my baby right now. Outside of my husband and Chunk, my focus is on it. It is what I foresee will allow me to be able to be the mother and wife I want to be without having to work outside the home full-time. However, my shop is new, and as with anything new it takes a lot of work, time, and attention. It would be unfair to bring another baby in the picture, because no.1 we can’t afford it and no.2 my attention is all over the place. I’m overwhelmed.
Will have enough love for another baby? I love Chunk so much, he makes my heart. Will my marriage be strained by a second little one? We just got Chunk out of our bed about a month or so ago, and Hubs and I are finally getting our evenings back to chill, talk, and just be the two of us together. Although that time may only be for an hour or two, because Hubs has to get to bed to be up for work in the morning, its nice. Another baby would put us back where we just came from with Chunk. Plus, we’re still staying with my mom and although she has plenty of room, it wouldn’t be right to expand on her. It just doesn’t seem like the respectful thing to do. I’m sad.
The truth. We can’t afford it, don’t have the focus for it, and a second baby right now would completely overwhelm my marriage. My marriage and being the best mom I can be are the most important things to me right now. I need to be able to be the best mom I can be for future children, by waiting. Not until the conditions are perfect, but at least until we can provide and give more. I want to give Chunk everything I feel he should have, but I can’t. I feel guilty.
So future baby, we will see you soon, but not right now. God will bless us with you on his timeline and when its most right deemed by Him. I have to not let societal pressures and my own thoughts on having children not get in the way of that. For now, I will work on me, my marriage, and being the best mom to Chunk, so that I can be an even better one by the time you come along.